Things That Have Struck Me Funny In The Past Three Days:
1) Michael got personal hygiene presents from his parents for his birthday. Now, it can be said that he occasionally slacks in the grooming department — shaving seems to be anathema to him and he doesn’t like to get his head wet, so we just won’t speak of his hair. However, the assortment of products he received was hilarious in its scope. He opened the bag and pulled out a bottle of shampoo, and I tittered; fifteen minutes later, as he was offloading the third bar of soap and expounding upon the merits of his matching deodorant/cologne/shaving cream set, I was rolling. Happy birthday, honey! You smell awful! I’m not saying that this is a hint, but have you considered bathing regularly? Oh, man, it was awesomely hysterical, and the meme chez Pinos has been, “Congratulations, you stink!” ever since.
2) I received two hysterical pieces of mail today, one of which was an invitation to some sort of crafting club. To be specific, the Creative Woman Kit-of-the-Month Club. So much funny! The name itself (Kit! of the Month! a special kit for February, and another one in March!) is fabulous, but the advertising copy is where the real gold lies. A completely unironic sample: Best of all, you can watch your creativity soar like never before with ONE-EVENING PROJECTS that’ll win you compliments and make you feel like a genuine artist every time you craft!
The “satisfied customer” quotes were equally craptastic, with gems such as, “I love it when other women friends admire my creative side.” Yes! I, too, love it when “other women friends” admire my sparkling creative skillzzzz! Why, they don’t even need to be my own “women friends;” any old women who are also friends will do.
The whole thing is far more ridiculous than can be described here, with much emphasizing of the fact that these craft-kits are for women and very easy and pre-assembled, many weird references to how much “the man of the house” and/or “your husband” (are these the same guy? one never knows with those crazy crafters) will appreciate all your effort, and an overall misogynistic ’50s vibe that is unrivaled by anything except misogynistic ’50s appliance ads. Ahhh, those silly women, always so emotional and needing of outlets like maniacal apron-beading! (This is another thing in the copy — many mentions of “destressing” and “unwinding.”) Good thing we have these craft kits to keep us sane and make us feel like genuine artists in just ONE EVENING. Even though genuine artists probably don’t use pre-assembled macramé kits or have quite such a desperate gleam in their eyes.
3) Michael’s new shampoo is Tresemmé anti-frizz stuff, which for some inexplicable reason is labeled “anti-sponge.” I have Googled and Babelfished “anti-sponge” in every language I could think of (starting with French, of course), and so far have found no translations. It seems to just mean “anti-sponge,” which is some kind of Hair Code Word for “anti-frizz.” Or something. I did find out that “sponge” in Spanish is “esponja,” and for some reason SpongeBob SquarePants is referred to as “Bob Esponja,” which fills me with almost as much glee as unexplainable anti-sponge shampoo.
I have many thoughts about this shampoo, such as: If I put it in the kitchen, will it repel the dish-scrubber? Is it a sort of neo-Nazi shampoo, awaiting the day when its rich and lathery brethren will rise up and subdue the inferior absorbent sea-creature? Would sensitivity training be indicated here? Should I shut up about the shampoo already? (Yes.)
4) The other thing I received in the mail was an offer for a “Pride of the South” Civil War commemorative ring. It’s huge, decorated with six enameled Confederate flags, and quite manly. I have no idea why anyone, anywhere, ever thought that this would be a good idea, but I bet it would be great for
beating slaves barfights. I’m thinking of giving it to the shampoo and letting them sell the sponge down the river figure out their issues.
And now! There is a small, wet child behind me, waiting for his hair to be dried and pajamas to be applied.