Oh, universe. I’m sitting here killing time before I go out to turn in job applications, and I’m thinking about the nature of this thing I do — this thing, you know, this thing you’re reading — okay, fine, THIS BLOG. And blogs and blogging in general. The recent incident has me considering all kinds of things I never did before, like if something’s bothering me and I get all snitty about it, is it okay to post in that frame of mind or should I wait until it’s resolved and I can be kinder? And is this place even appropriate for working out my take on interpersonal issues, or are my legitimate choices either a) take it up with the person involved or b) shut up? I’m wondering all of this stuff and I’m considering writing a long introspective post about, because that is how I deal with things: I think, and I write, and the two have always been pretty tangled up for me. I clicked over to my WordPress admin site, and ha! I have been logged out. Clearly, that post was not meant to be.
So, yeah. Now I’m just killing time, pretty much. After I wrote that whiny post about how I can’t job hunt, and nobody’s hiring me, and the world sucks, I decided to try to do something about the whole situation. I called a friend who is also on the quest for employment, made Michael get up, and said, “Okay, you’re watching Connor and I’m going out to get applications, bye!” Actually getting out and asking people for applications was pretty disheartening — up to this point I’d been using the newspaper as my source for open positions, but it doesn’t give an accurate picture of the local market, really. Apparently, the only places that are hiring are fast food joints or hotels. Awesome. I am, once again, thrilled that I spent so much money and time getting an education and work experience in very specific fields, because right now my best shot at gainful employment is as a housekeeper in a cheap motel.
It’s depressing. I mean, yeah, hooray for me! I was proactive, I got out there and Made An Effort. I just wish that effort was going to pay off in any sustainable way, because I know how this story ends. This story ends with me taking the first job offered, even if it’s crappy, because I know it’s likely to be the only job offered. I’ll make noises about “putting up with it for a while” and “buying myself time to find something better,” but I’ll end up burnt out and still kind of poor, always too tired or too weirdly scheduled to actually find anything better. And I’ll end up quitting, after a while; I’ll get our finances back into the black, and I’ll keep trying valiantly, and one day I will wake up after three or six or nine months of exhaustion and boredom for paltry checks, and I’ll call in fed up. Lather, rinse, fucking repeat.
I just don’t get it. I know that the general economy is in the toilet. I know that my local economy is even more in the toilet, and may in fact actually be in the sewer. I also know that there are good jobs out there, though — jobs for which I am qualified, jobs for which I am trained, jobs for which I have largely already paid my dues. Why are they so far out of my reach? It can’t be that I’m too young; my friends manage to get and keep good jobs just fine. I have stellar references, no employment gaps longer than a year that can’t be explained away by continued education, and a fairly excellent professional demeanor. I should be able to start a career, you know? I want to do that, I want to get work I can stick with, I want work that’s going somewhere… and there’s no reason why I shouldn’t have it. What am I doing wrong?