I thought I’d have a big story to tell today, since Connor went to the dentist for the first time, but I don’t. Everything went fine. It took about 20 minutes. He didn’t cry, wriggle, kick, or clamp his mouth shut. He got a new toothbrush. The end.
Oh, unless you want to hear about the quasi-rude hygienist who scaled his teeth. We took him in because we’d noticed some tartar buildup on his bottom front teeth and wanted to get it under control and introduce Connor to the idea of regular dental cleanings. The hygienist who cleaned and polished his teeth was lovely, charming, and friendly. She made a point of showing Connor all the instruments and how they worked and she was very gentle with his tiny gumline and tongue. The second hygienist, though, was… well, she wasn’t full-on bitchy, but she didn’t miss it by much. She pried Connor’s jaws open, took a glance, then whipped her head around to pin me with accusing eyes.
“That’s from not brushing his teeth. Good Lord.”
What? Sheesh, lady, it’s a little tartar along the gumline; it’s not like his teeth are rotting out. “Actually, we brush his teeth twice a day. We’ve been doing that since –”
“Look, do you see that? It’s tartar. That’s calcified plaque — I mean, that’s just stuck-on FOOD all over his teeth there.”
So which is it, you quibbly ho? “Well, we brush his teeth twice a day. I’m wondering if the problem is his toothbrush, or — now that I think about it, my mom’s had tartar problems her whole life. Could it be gen –”
“Not this young. No way. Uh-uh. Nope, this is just from not brushing his teeth. Now, he may fight you a little, but you still need to do it every day. Look, I’ll show you what a toothbrush does.”
WHAT? I already told you that we brush his teeth every day. I KNOW what a toothbrush does! And since when do genetic problems not occur “this young?” WHAT THE FUCK, lady? Why are you treating me like some teen mom who dropped out of highschool to bottle-feed chocolate milk to her unwashed babies? “No, that’s okay. I’m pretty clear on the… toothbrush concept. Thanks.”
“If you’re sure about that. Just really make sure to brush his teeth. I can’t make that sound important enough; you need to be doing it regularly.”
Gah! Aside from that, though, the visit was lovely. Connor’s teeth are like little lens reflectors, flashing and gleaming every time he opens his mouth. He got a new toothbrush, too, so I just need to start making myself use it. It’s important, you know.
(As an aside, I just got my new Tae-Bo DVDs in the mail, and I am desperately trying to find something — anything — else to do. Billy Blanks’s smiling face both mocks me and makes me tremble a little. Send help.)