I am all kinds of icky today. I caught the cold-ish thing that Connor had about a week ago (thereby disproving the allergy theory), and also discovered that some Public Works jackhole had drilled into a water main near our house this morning. Hooray for being snotty and unshowered! Especially on a Monday when Important Things were supposed to occur!
Said Important Things mostly consisted of picking up job applications, which Michael kindly volunteered to do, so that ended well but I still smell kind of funny. Alas. I do have a shot at a fairly plummy job, though, so I suppose everything will work out. I am very nervous about this job thing — it’s exactly what I’ve been looking for (office environment, regular schedule, non-strenuous responsibilities, close to home), and therefore it will be pretty soul-crushing if I don’t get it. I honestly don’t know what the competition is like for the position, either, which doesn’t help at all. I used to assume that the competition for these office things was pretty low, what with all the college drop-outs and truck drivers around here, but I’ve spent the past two years being regularly beaten out for fairly skilled positions so I just don’t know. Of course, I am assuming that I won’t get it and will therefore have to continue my lame attempts at jobhunting from home with practically no car and a toddler in tow, and who’d relish that? Nobody.
If I do get it there’s a whole other set of things to worry about. How will I work out childcare for Connor? Daycare is so expensive that even a good job is not really worth the bill, Michael could quit work but then Connor would lose his state insurance and we are in no position to pay for private insurance, my in-laws would probably love to watch Connor every day but I really don’t want his entire daily life and routine to be under their hands, and I’m going to miss my kid a fuck of a lot no matter what we work out. Then there’s the more existential stuff, like how hard I find it to get up in the mornings even when I don’t have to rush myself and Connor through bathing/eating/dressing immediately — anything that will make me sleep reliably will also make me groggy in the mornings, but if I go unassisted I don’t sleep and then find myself nonfunctional in the A.M. I have only one outfit suitable for working in an office environment, and no real solid means of buying more clothes until I’ve earned a paycheck or two. My last office stint was a true catastrophe, and while that was mostly because the office itself was a disorganized and hellacious mess, some of that was general ennui on my part. Finally, what if I just can’t swing it due to fatigue, ennui, childcare, illness, whatever and have to start back at square one? Except it would be like square zero because by then Michael would be either staying at home full-time or only working part-time, and we can’t live like that.
BLAH BLAH BLAH WHAT A BABY. Sheesh. I know, guys, but seriously: life is hard, and this is not brand-new information but I am sort of perplexed and exhausted right now, so bear with me, okay?
There’s other stuff, too, like, “But I wanted to be a wriiiiterrrrr!” It’s all just kind of rushing through my brain, and it’s all a little overwhelming since my head is foggy and stuffy and angry anyway, due to the germs. On the one hand, hooray! A real chance at earning real money for using real skills that I really possess! On the other hand, boo! I really wanted to stay at home with Connor until he starts school and be a writer and lounge about in pajamas whenever I feel like it! I don’t know how people do this every day — I mean, I know how it’s done, but it seems like it really sucks no matter which way you go. (Breaking news: Any way you slice it, you can’t have the whole cake! Details at eleven.) I think I am done whining now, so feel free to hop into the comments and tell me how lame I am/point out some facet of the situation I haven’t even considered/commiserate/roll your eyes.