Dear Mr. Blanks,
Oh, Billy. May I call you Billy? I just feel like we’re closer now, especially since you made me cry with frustration. You see, Billy, I have a little problem: I don’t know what the fucking hell you want from me. You’re lovely, really, but… when you tell me to put my right leg forward and balance on it while kicking with my left leg, then tell me to step forward with my right leg even though it’s already forward and also holding me up, I have no idea what to do. When you swing into an exercise without first telling me what the exercise is or how to do it, I have even less of a clue. And when you start shouting for me to double-time it in the middle of a set, well, that’s when I start throwing things.
I’m sure you’re a nice person, so tell me: how the fuck do I do this? Because this DVD of yours, the one with your manic face and assurances that “newcomers” will “enjoy” the experience, makes no goddamn sense. Perhaps you are more accustomed to teaching people with three or four extraneous limbs, but I assure you that the great majority of your clientele have only two legs and two arms. I can’t kick with one leg, support myself with one leg, and step forward and back with another leg. I am also not telepathic, and would therefore like a little bit of warning before you change up the exercise. I feel like something of an idiot when your perky, sweaty little followers are on their second set before I stop squinting at the screen and make enough sense of the new exercise to half-heartedly attempt to follow along.
There is a theme here, Billy — perhaps I should revert to calling you Mr. Blanks here — and that theme is simple: THIS IS A BEGINNER’S WORKOUT, YOU DRIPPING, SMELLY SADIST. I respectfully request that you a) slow it the hell down, b) take ten seconds out of your busy recording schedule to explain the exercises, and c) package the requisite extraneous limbs with your DVDs if you must incorporate them into your routines.
The fat one
P.S. Ow. Those… uh, tricep things are painful after the fourth set. For real, cut that shit out.