Please to be giving me my money back now. Now. No, the other “now,” the one that is this precise moment. That “now.” At this time, I would like to call your attention to the fact that MAH MUNNY. YOU HAZ IT. You has it, indeed, and I need it now. Nooooowww. Look, I said please — what do you people (and I use the term loosely) want from me?
Desperate in New Mexico
Dear CreditOne Bank,
Perhaps you’d like to check for my payment again, because you seem to be under the impression that it has not been sent. Do you, by chance, assume that those forty dollars are not for you? Have you been hurt before, led astray by payments that were sadly inadequate? I don’t want to live this way, CreditOne. I want us to trust each other. Look, we can work this out, it’ll just take a little compromise: you send a receipt for that payment through to the bank, and I promise to use you only for good. Don’t cry, baby. We’ll get through this.
Account Number XXXX-XXXX-XXXX-XXXX
Dear Portales Rental Market,
I like my houses the way I like my women: cheap, roomy, warm, and open. Call me.