oh, brother.


I have two half-finished, coherent, completely opposing entries just waiting to be completed and posted someday. Guess what, though? That day is not today! No, instead of coherency, progressive narrative, and plot, I am going to post in a disjointed fashion about a random thing that happened far too early this morning.
First off, let me get the grossest stuff right out of the way: I found cat poop in the laundry this morning. I found it by sticking my hand directly into it as I blindly fished about for more whites. Yes! Yes, I did! And let me take this opportunity to point out that while my house is undeniably kind of messy right now, it is by no means so messy that I cannot see/smell things like cat shit. How did the cat poop get there, halfway to the bottom of the laundry basket? No idea — but it was still wet, so of course I dealt with it in my patented “Am Complete Moron” style.

Step one: Grab poopy shirt, dash outside. Freeze pajama-clad ass off while furiously flinging poopy shirt about to remove as much poo as possible. Curse profusely, fluidly, and in a manner calculated to inspire awe from the neighbors.

Step two: Wash hands and start washing machine. Dither back and forth about the high cost of water, the dwindling availability of water, and the utter idiocy of running an entire load for just one shirt. Compromise by setting the washer to “small load,” throw in two towels and a pair of pants with the poop shirt.

Step three: Rest weary head on soothingly womb-like washing machine. Wonder what Connor is doing. Hear him saying, “Hee! Spit on the kitty!” Feel reassured and kind of awed by Connor’s endless capacity to amuse himself.

Step four: Negate your water-conserving frugality by washing the same small load three damn times, because OMG! WHAT IF THERE IS POOP RESIDUE ALL OVER THOSE CLOTHES?

Step five: Tell the Internet what a lameass you are, because nothing makes a bad morning better than public embarrassment. Bonus points if you admit that you and Connor are both still wearing pajamas even though it's past noon, because shortly after the cat poop incident you realized that one of the cats has diarrhea and there is just no point to wearing nice clothes.

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