Kip sent Connor this really awesome George & Martha compilation book a couple of years ago. We usually pick a random story from it when we read it to Connor, because in the normal scheme of things the book is still a little beyond him. He loves it with an unholy love, though (I think because I used to set it in the crib to amuse him when he was tiny), so tonight I picked it up and started flipping through for a story we hadn’t yet read.
“No, Mommy!* Go the right way,” Connor insisted. Whatever, I thought, and turned back to the beginning of the book. We got through two very silly stories about friendship and truth and hippos before encountering “Story Three: The Tub.” I had already made it kind of bad by pronouncing the title in a spooky, doom-filled Vincent Price manner, so imagine my surprise when the first two pages were a bit… alarming.
“George loved to peek in windows.” Well, that is a very unusual hobby for a morbidly obese sub-Saharan semi-aquatic animal to have! The accompanying picture was of the interior of an ambiguous room, tastefully decorated in searing yellow, and George’s head poking through the window. Huh.
“One day, George peeked in at Martha.” The accompanying picture was of Martha (another morbidly obese hippo), naked in the tub, stretched out in a sex-kitten pose and scrubbing herself languidly with a body brush. I couldn’t help myself; I blurted out, “WELL, THINGS HAVE CERTAINLY TAKEN AN UNSAVORY TURN!”
Without missing a beat, Connor piped up with, “Mommy, he is just a PEEPER. He is not a SAVIOR.”
Well, that certainly clears things right up! Thanks, kid.
Connor: Coats are like flying kites!
Me: Sure, in an alternate universe where you are actually sane!
*Yes, I am Mommy again. For now.