dumb things i have done this week.


1) Left the box of fabric softener sheets on top of the dryer while it ran several cycles, so that the coating on the sheets melted and ran to the bottom of the box and left my dryer sheets all stuck together and unpleasantly waxy to the touch. This confused me greatly at first — I could not figure out why my fabric softener sheets were suddenly so distasteful to me, and I actually considered the notion that they had always been this way and I just was not paying enough attention. Then I spent 45 minutes trying to figure out what sticky substance I had spilled on the box. Then I burned myself on the inside of the dryer and used that experience as currency with which to buy a clue.

2) Spent an entire morning craving dumplings (as in chicken and, not as in Asian style) and bemoaning my lack of complicated ingredients with which to create them. Around 11:00 AM I had the following epiphany: WHY, DUMPLINGS ARE JUST LUMPS OF HOT, WET BISCUIT DOUGH! I then busted out the pizza crust-mix and the chicken bouillon and satisfied a very odd craving in a very white-trash, gluttonous way.

3) Prank-called my sociology professor by mistake. I was trying to cheer my Easily Amused Friend, but what with all the buttons to press, something went awry. Thankfully, I'd had the presence of mind to block my Caller ID. Even more thankfully, this is an online class, so the professor will not have a public opportunity to recognize my voice.

4) Did I mention forgetting my own very first wedding anniversary? And trying to play it like I had not forgotten at all, I was just secretly planning something so enormously cool that it would not be appropriate for a weeknight? Okay, just checking.

5) Spent six hours roaming WWTDD, unable to tear my eyes away from the train wrecks that are Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Paris Hilton. (Ms. Lohan, how about a big smile for the cameras? No, honey, we meant with your face mouth.)

—-

Spammers, take note: “HOT, WET BISCUIT DOUGH” would be a very creative and sexy subject line. You may use it if you send me your name, address, and 25% of all proceeds.

[Edit:] Now that I think of it, “sticky substance spilled on the box” would also make a good spam header. You can consider that one a freebie.

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