open letters.


A Note to the Semi-Bureaucrats With Whom I Have Dealt Today:

Yes, my last name is different from my husband's. Yes, I am sure that I am legally married. Yes, I am sure that I did not get confused after a year of marriage and give you my maiden name incorrectly. No, you don't have to be so vocally surprised about it. No, I do not want to be listed as “Sara Husband's-last-name My-last-name.” No, I do not want my husband's name to be listed first on my paperwork.

Thanks,
Ms. You-Know-Who

—-

Dear Friends Who Have Kids,

While I really appreciated your company today, and I definitely appreciate the cuteness of your kids and the fact that they provide Connor with playmates, I do not approve of your letting them trash my house. I am deeply overwhelmed after having spent the day with four toddlers, and I would like it if in future you would clean up the messes your kids make. It's the polite thing to do, and also you could always prevent them from making such large messes (commonly called “paying attention to your kids”) to save some work. Similarly, I strongly disapprove of the way you let your kids defecate and urinate wherever they happen to be, as opposed to providing them with absorbent undergarments (commonly called “diapers” or “Pull-Ups”) or taking them to the potty. I also think it's kind of gross that after your kid craps on the floor or under the slide you simply pull her pants back up without performing basic hygienic functions (commonly called “wiping”). Next time you visit, I would really enjoy it if you BYOB! (Bring your own bleach.)

On a related note, I feel that perhaps your kids could benefit from a bit of discipline. No, not more spankings. No, not more ineffectual “hey put that down no really put that down I am not kidding put that down okay it's time to put it down now” monologues. Discipline. You know, where you teach and model appropriate behavior in a consistent manner? Yeah. That would probably help with the house-trashing and the constant screaming and fighting.

“Looking forward” to another visit!
Sara, Queen of Sweeping Judgments Regarding Other People's Parenting

—-

Dear Limewire,

@$#%&@^@!! Why! Can't you ever! Just find! My songs! Please! I would appreciate you finding at least one song per day. I do not feel that this is too much to ask. Also, that whole “downloading at 1 kbps” thing is so 1996. There is no music on my computer, and that makes the baby Jesus cry.

Sincerely,
Fed Up

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